(no subject)

[thedemonmagnet]

Something was different this morning. Xander could feel it the moment he woke up. But he couldn't figure out what it was till after he was up, dressed and moving about the hut. As per normal, he'd called good morning to Buffy, just in case she was in. Sometimes she was out on patrol before he woke up, sometimes she slept in. He wished he could sleep in but he had to meet his building crew team.

Before leaving, he ran a hand through his still green hair and stuck his head into Buffy's room to say good bye before he left. And he stopped short. He just...stared into the room. It wasn't that Buffy wasn't there, it was like, a complete absence of her presence. He finally recognized the feeling he'd been feeling all morning. He felt empty.

Not one to give up so easy, Xander began searching places on the island. He went up the Compound and asked everyone there if they'd seen her. He checked the IPD office, the kitchen, the rec room, everywhere he could think of. The whole time, he kept thinking about his promise to her, soon after his own arrival. How he wouldn't disappear on her, like everyone else, including himself, had. He hadn't disappeared, like he promised. He was still here.

But the more he looked, he realized...that it was Buffy who had disappeared.

After what felt like hours, but was still the middle of the morning, Xander found himself just blindly walking down one of the paths towards the caves. His arms were hugged around him and he wasn't ashamed to admit he was crying. His best friend was gone. The one person he couldn't live without. And he was completely devastated.

Finally, he looked up to see where his feet has led him. Spike's cave. A part of him wasn't surprised. Of anyone on the island, Spike would understand. Taking a deep breath and wiping his eyes, Xander took a tentative step into the cave as he called out "Spike?" in a shaking voice.

Comments

[fangyandgrr.livejournal.com]

Spike looked up at the familiar voice, shoving the book he'd been reading beneath a pile of clothes as he got to his feet, frowning as he came around the corner to the entrance. "Harris? What--" he got a look at Xander's face and the frown deepened, concern entering his voice. "What is it? What's happened?"

[scoobys-heart.livejournal.com]

The moment Xander saw Spike, he had to fight back a fresh batch of tears. If he wasn't so miserable, he'd have been embarrassed to be crying in front of the person who was now his best friend on the island. His best friend...because Buffy was...

"Gone." He finally managed out in the same shaky voice that grew even more so as he gave voice to the awful reality of the situation. "Buffy's gone." He hugged his arms harder around himself as his knees threatened to buckle and he bit back sobs.

He just had to tell Spike. Then he could go back to their...to his hut and just give into all the emotion threatening to consume him.

[fangyandgrr.livejournal.com]

"Gone? What d'you mean, gone?" Spike closed the distance between them, gripping Xander's upper arms. "Not...gone gone, she can't be."

[scoobys-heart.livejournal.com]

Xander couldn't stop a loud sniffle as Spike held on to him. He didn't bother to hide his crying anymore, couldn't as he retold Spike about that morning. "I woke up and I just had a bad feeling about something and when I went and looked in her room, it wasn't so much that she wasn't there, it was like she wasn't there. Then I searched all over for anyplace she would be and I know she wouldn't go off to fight dinos with out telling anyone and I just know she's gone." And he hated knowing it. Hated it.

[fangyandgrr.livejournal.com]

Spike's heart sank into his stomach as he listened, as he watched Xander. This wasn't a trick, it wasn't payback for his own little stunt the other day. Harris wasn't that good of an actor, and more...he wasn't that vicious.

His hands fell away from Xander's arms and he took a step back, turning away as he growled, "That bitch!" But his voice cracked on the last word, betraying the deeper emotion he was trying to hide with anger.

[scoobys-heart.livejournal.com]

Well, that reaction was unexpected and Xander couldn't help flinching away from the violence of it, even as he stared wide-eyed at Spike. "Spike?" He asked in a small voice, confused.

He thought Spike...he thought Spike had loved Buffy as much as he did. Still did. He thought he would understand...

[fangyandgrr.livejournal.com]

"Oh sure, she gets to go off and get back to killing vamps, back to pizza and beer and crisps and decent fags..." Spike trailed off as he got a bit of sand or something in his eye, scrubbing it away impatiently. "And then here's you and me. Isn't that just sodding brilliant?" He sank against the wall with a long, low sigh, closing his eyes.

[scoobys-heart.livejournal.com]

Oh. Spike was jealous. Of course he was. Xander's thoughts couldn't help going back to Halloween and Spike's plea to be a vampire again. For some reason, that made Xander feel worse.

He took a step to lean against the same wall as Spike with a soft sigh. "What do we do?" He asked softly, almost hoping Spike thought it was rhetorical and didn't answer.

[fangyandgrr.livejournal.com]

Spike couldn't answer for a minute, he didn't trust his voice with the huge lump forming in his throat. "We keep going, I suppose," he finally managed with only a hint of roughness in his tone. He cleared his throat before continuing. "What the fuck else can we do, mmm?"

[scoobys-heart.livejournal.com]

"Yeah..." Xander tried to think of all that would entail. It would just be him in the hut, though as much as living alone creeped him out, he wasn't about to leave it since she'd built it. His normal everyday routine seemed suddenly foreign to him. "Not much else to do."

Is that how Buffy had felt when all the others had disappeared on her?

"I promised her, almost everyday, that I wouldn't disappear...not if I could help it. I wouldn't do it to her, not after so many others had." He hadn't meant to say it, to tell Spike about what had been running through his head all morning. It just kind of popped out.

[fangyandgrr.livejournal.com]

"Least one of you stuck around," Spike muttered under his breath, his shoulders slumping. "S'you and me now. And that failure of a Watcher, course." Not that he knew Wesley well enough to pay attention to whether he was about one way or another, or care.

[scoobys-heart.livejournal.com]

At first, Xander frowned as he searched his brain for who Spike was referring to, since he hoped he would have been told if Giles was on the island. Then he remembered Wesley, who he too hadn't seen anytime lately. He sighed. "Oh. Right. I forgot about him."

"You...you'll be around right?" It was the closest Xander could get to asking if they would still be friends. He wasn't thinking rationally at the moment but at least he had enough thought not to sound completely pathetic.

[fangyandgrr.livejournal.com]

Spike rolled his eyes. "With my luck I'm never getting out of here, mate," he muttered, turning to look at Xander and after a moment's hesitation raising a hand to rest on his shoulder. "I'll be around," he said quietly, swallowing.

[scoobys-heart.livejournal.com]

Xander couldn't hide his sigh of relief, even if he'd tried, nor how he shifted slightly closer to Spike. "Good." He blinked, "That, uh, your luck is rotte...uh...that you'll be here...uh...you know what I mean."

[fangyandgrr.livejournal.com]

"I know what you mean. You too." And then Spike did something that surprised even him. He pulled Xander into a fierce hug.

[scoobys-heart.livejournal.com]

If Spike ever asked, the soft sob Xander let out at the sudden hug was from surprise rather then relief. And it didn't stop him from returning it, just as strong. Spike was grounding him, allowing him for the first time that morning to become anything close to calm, instead of continuing to bawl his eyes out.

It was amazing how much one hug from a previous feared, okay still somewhat feared, enemy who happened to love your best friend as much as you did could do.

[fangyandgrr.livejournal.com]

After a minute Spike patted Xander's back firmly a few times and pulled away, his expression sombre. "We'll be all right, mate," he assured him quietly, giving him a somewhat pained smile. "I've lost 'er before. The pain gets bearable after a bit. And at least this time she's not dead."

[scoobys-heart.livejournal.com]

Despite the comfort of the previous moments, Xander couldn't help a sharp wince at the reminder. He hadn't lived it, but he'd heard enough about it and he didn't like thinking about it any of those times either. It was like Evil Willow; somethings he just couldn't believe until he saw them himself. "Can we, uh, not talk about that? Because it's so not with the helping." He asked in a small voice.

Despite their not touching, Xander stayed fairly close to Spike. He bit his lip and pondered for a moment before he looked up and asked, "Do...do you mind if I stick around here, just for today? I kinda..." 'don't want to be alone or go back to his empty hut' was what would have finished that sentence before he lost his nerve. "Umm...yeah."

[fangyandgrr.livejournal.com]

Spike nearly asked if Xander would feel better if she were dead, but he knew that wasn't what he meant, and with emotions already running high, for once he held his tongue.

"Fine, but I'm not going to entertain you. And don't go nosin' about!" he added, whirling suddenly to stick a finger in Xander's face. There were things in the cave that Xander didn't need to be poking around in.

[scoobys-heart.livejournal.com]

It was a good thing Spike had held off. Xander had just gotten his breathing even and he really didn't want to start crying again, which was what would happened with continued thoughts of Dead Buffy.

At Spike's worry, Xander just shook his head innocently and moved to sit in a shady spot just inside the cave. "Here, right here is good." He pulled out a book of Virginia Woolf's poetry. He'd had it in his pocket to take with him to finish reading when his building crew stopped for lunch, so he'd be ready for class the next day. Now, he was just glad for something he could do and just...stay near the little bit of home he had left. "I'll just sit here and read, not even going to get in your way, I promise."

[fangyandgrr.livejournal.com]

"...Right. See that you don't," Spike muttered, shaking his head and moving away. Truth be told, he was rather glad of the company himself. Not that he'd tell Harris that.