thedemonmagnet | (no subject)

Entry tags:

alcuin,
saffron

(no subject)

Helen had been topside from the horrible place for a few days and Xander's heart had finally stopped racing whenever she was out of his sight. Granted, he wasn't too happy that she was out at the Club drinking with Luthor, why was it always Luthor, but at least she knew she was safe. And while he didn't get the drinking, he knew this was something they needed to do.

But it did give him the chance to work on a few personal projects that he'd neglected in his worry and then in his reunion with Helen. So there he sat on the porch, forming a piece of wood in his hand with one of his woodworking tools, waiting for her to come home to him.

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Her eyes were dry as she tilted her head to look up at Xander, but it had been a close thing, between how she was feeling and the way her half-awake revelation had shaken her. "Hangover," she mumured as explanation, managing a faint smile. "It feels like someone's using my head as a gong. When did Alcuin leave?"

He leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Middle of the night. He woke up and figured then was as good a time as any." The nightmare he decided to keep between him and Alcuin to respect his privacy. "Can I get you anything?"

"No," Saffron replied softly, refraining from shaking her head since that was like to get the gong really going. "Just stay right where you are." The last thing she wanted right then, the very last thing, was for Xander to move so much as an inch away from her. She wanted to ask him, she was itching to ask him, if only to put her out of her own misery, but for once, the words were escaping her.

"I think I can manage that." Xander said fondly as he wrapped her up tighter in his arms. There was no where else he'd rather be after all though the sobs he could have sworn he'd felt still weighed on his mind. But he figured he could give her a moment and ask again later.

She stayed silent for a few moments, snuggled up close with Xander, her eyes shut as she savored that moment where she was safe and sound in the arms of the man she loved with all her heart. Even the headache that was strong as ever didn't detract from how good it was to be right where she was, and she tucked herself back in where she'd been, nuzzling his neck.

When she finally spoke, it was in a small voice, and she didn't move, afraid of what she might read in his expression. "What did you think of last night?"

"It was interesting." Xander said simply. It had been an interesting experience, since he'd never been in a threesome before. And while he was glad to offer the comfort to Alcuin...he definitely thought three was a crowd.

Of course, if Helen asked, he'd do it again.

"I think it help Alcuin, like we wanted."

Interesting. It was a neutral enough response, enough that Saffron didn't know what to make of it, especially given she still refused to look up at his face. "I'm glad we helped Alcuin," she agreed. That was one thing she was sure about. It was the thing she did best, helping them that needed it through sex, through physical intimacy. She'd done it for Xander once upon a time, and she didn't regret it; she didn't regret helping Alcuin, either. That was not the issue in question, for Saffron.

"Would you want to do it again? A threesome, I mean?" she asked, in that same small voice. "And don't say you would if I wanted to. I want to know what you want."

Xander of course had to swallow back his first answer since she'd taken the words right out of his mouth. He was quiet for a moment as he tried to find the right words...before he finally sighed and pulled her closer.

"No. Not really. I would do it again if you wanted but I really think I prefer it just as me and you." He kissed her hair in a brief pause. "Call me selfish maybe, but I love you and I want to keep that to myself. Alcuin is a dear friend so it wasn't hard sharing it for a night but...I'd rather not."

Because it never was just sex for Xander. It never had been, except that first time with Faith.

The relief that flooded her was so profound she couldn't have stopped the tears if she'd tried, even though crying didn't do her aching head any favors. "Those," she said a bit shakily, as she finally pulled her face back from his neck just far enough to look up at him, "were my thoughts exactly. I don't - I don't want to share you anymore."

"Oh Helen..." His voice broke as he first felt the tears against his neck and then saw them when she pulled back. "You have never had to share me. Not where it matters." He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead so he didn't have to pull far away.

"I know," she said, whispering to keep from sobbing outright. She needed to be able to talk, at least for a few moments more. "I've always known that. But this - this matters too."

She pressed a palm to his cheek, his bare chest, his hip, hoping he knew what she meant. Saffron understood physical intimacy, was an expert in it, in fact. She understood jealousy, had experienced it many a time, in various forms. But this was much stronger than mere physical intimacy, much deeper than jealousy, and that, to her, was new. She'd never gotten to this point with anyone else, even those she loved before.

"It's never mattered as much to me as it does now," she tried to explain. "I - I want to know you're mine, and mine alone. And I want to be yours."

Sensing her need to speak, Xander stayed quiet, just holding her close as she fought to find the words she needed.

While she had always been the more experienced when it came to the physical side of their relationship, this was where Xander had more experience. Granted, he'd never loved anyone as deeply or as strongly as he loved Helen, but he was still more familiar with these feelings since it was very easy for him to love someone. It was just a part of who he was.

Smiling gently and full of love, he brought a hand up to cover the one cupping his cheek. "I've always been yours. And I know you've always been mine. It's not something you find to have words for, just feel it."

"I do feel it," Saffron replied softly, her damp eyes lifted to meet his, her jaw clenching briefly as she fought to ignore the pounding in her head. "I feel it every day, I feel it whenever I see you. I reckon I just didn't understand it fully until now." This was what she'd been avoiding for so many years. This was what she'd thought she had so many years ago, what she'd shut out so completely and for so long she'd forgotten what it was like. This was so far past the point of no return, that point couldn't even be seen. And all she could do was cling with all her might to the present, to the love of her life lying there holding her in his arms, and try not to think that one day all the cynicism and bitterness locked away in her heart would surface again, proven right once more.

It just couldn't happen. Not this time. She wouldn't let it.

"It's kinda scary, isn't it?" He said for her, since he knew it wasn't something she'd ever put into words. It just wasn't who she was and he loved her for it. But that didn't change the fact it was the best way to describe the feeling. "Overwhelming. In a good way."

He lifted a hand to rub her jaw, to encourage her to relax it as he kissed her cheek just above it. "It's okay. I feel it too. I've felt it for a long time." Since before that fateful Halloween, when he never imagined he'd ever be able to admit how he felt to her, much less this.

With anyone else, she might have tried to brush it off, might have scoffed at the idea of being afraid of such a silly thing. But Saffron hid nothing from Xander, not when it came to her feelings for him, and so she nodded, just slightly. "I don't know how I got so lucky," she said, barely above a whisper. She'd never dared to think she could have ever been loved the way he loved her, and now that she had him, she wasn't ever letting go, not for anything. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

The only thing Xander could do was hold her tighter against him. "Believe me. I ask myself the same thing everyday." Everyday he thanked his lucky stars that this beautiful, strong, passionate woman loved someone like him. But he wasn't going to say no. "And I think likewise."

She tilted her head up a little more so she could press her lips to his, soft and sweet and achingly tender. This, right here, this was never going to get old, was always going to be so precious to her. "Wo ai ni," she said softly, and though Xander didn't speak the language, he'd been with her long enough now he was sure to know at least what that meant.

[I love you]

It was, and always would be, the best part of any morning, afternoon and night, the pure moments that he could share with Helen. And he did know the foreign words, or at least he knew what they meant. With a smile, he laid a soft, tender kiss on her lips and hugged her tightly. “I love you too, Boss Lady,” he replied, adding his own form endearment.

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