thedemonmagnet | (no subject)

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spike

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This was not a conversation Xander wanted to have and it took everything he had to put one foot in front of the other as he made his way to Spike's cave. He didn't think anything could be worse then the conversation when Spike's son was born, but at least then he hadn't been afraid of loosing Spike. Now...now he didn't know what to think and honestly, he wouldn't blame Spike at all if he wasn't his choice. It was Buffy and Xander knew how much Spike loved her. It wasn't like they'd expressed anything close to that to each other so...

Taking a deep breath, Xander tried not to think about it while at the same time preparing himself for the conversation ahead as he called out, "Spike?" once he neared the entrance of the cave.

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Spike rolled his eyes, dragging deep on his fag. "I was never happy with her, mate," he pointed out, shaking his head. Oh, they had fun, and he did love her--would always love her, in a way--but happy? Happiness wasn't in the cards for them, not together.

That made Xander blink. "I...don't understand." How was someone not happy being with the person they loved? He'd been happy with Anya and Jill, when he'd been with them.

"I loved her...but I wasn't happy. She wasn't, either." And furthermore, she'd never loved him. Not how he wanted, though in the end they'd had something. He'd have to talk to her, find out where she was from, where they were at in Sunnydale and where she wanted to be here--but right now there was a more pressing matter.

"Xander, you make me happy," he said slowly, patiently.

Now Xander could only frown. He opened his mouth to say something along the lines of how could Spike be happy with him over Buffy, come on it was Buffy...but the words never came.

Instead, it was just a small, wondering "Oh." He hadn't seriously considered this possibility so now he was a bit lost for thoughts and words.

"Yeah, 'oh'," Spike agreed with another little eyeroll. He sighed and gripped Xander's shoulders, leaning in and kissing him softly.

Still not wanting to give into hope completely, Xander returned the soft kiss but kept his hands to himself. When he pulled back, he looked in Spike's eyes, asking softly, "Are you sure? Positively? I...don't think I could take if you changed your mind, even if I wouldn't blame you."

"What d'you want me to do, handcuff myself to you to prove I don't want to go anywhere?" Spike asked, more exasperated than anything. "You're not my second choice, I didn't settle for you. I'm where I want to be. If you are."

It was still hard to believe...once again he had to stress that it was Buffy here...but he did believe Spike. And to show him, Xander kissed him, softly and emotionally.

"I'm sorry," He whispered against Spike's mouth, "I just...I had to be sure."

Spike wrapped his arms tight around Xander's waist, holding him close. "And are you?" he asked quietly.

There was a brief hesitation but Xander nodded honestly. "Yes. I do." He closed his eyes as he leaned into Spike. Who could blame him for being afraid of losing this?

"Aright, then." Spike sighed, rubbing his hand over Xander's back. He'd still have to talk to Buffy, sooner or later, but for now this was enough. "Want to come in for a bit?"

Xander wanted nothing more then to spend the night in Spike's arms. But he knew that he couldn't leave Buffy alone her first night on the island. "For a little while? I left Buffy alone in the hut and I don't want to leave her for too long after just arriving..."

Spike sighed but nodded. He didn't like it, would prefer to keep Xander all to himself, but...it was Buffy. That was really all that needed to be said. "For a bit," he agreed softly, kissing him again, just a little possessive.

"Thank you." Xander replied a bit breathlessly after the kiss that sent shivers down his spine. It was thanking Spike for understanding and putting up with him. "I'll make it up to you, I promise."

Spike nearly told him that wasn't necessary, there was nothing to make up for, but he stopped himself and smirked. "See that you do," he purred, licking his lips as he towed Xander into the cave to take advantage of what little time he would get tonight.

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