"I know." Xander said almost immediately, looking over at her again, for some reason really wanting her to know that he didn't feel pressured into it or anything. "I mean...I know I don't have too. I'm just...I don't know. Conflicted I guess?"

He sighed and leaned back against the tree, head thunking softly as he closed his eyes. "I think I just don't want to give up on something I'm good at...no matter what I feel about it." He finally just blurted out, for lack of anything else. He felt he owed Helen that much at least. "I just wish I could either feel more confident or have enough conviction to not do it instead of this stuck in the middle."